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The Frank Skinner Show

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Alan Is it water? (Pointing to glass used by last guest, a pissed Tara Palmer-Tompkinson)

Frank It certainly works whatever it is…. So reincarnation, what do you think?

Alan Not many thoughts on reincarnation

Frank No, didn't think you would! They were a bit hard on Glenn Hoddle though don't you think

Alan I thought you were going to give me an easy time.

Frank You're allowed to have an opinion aren't you?

Alan What on Glenn Hoddle? I think he was silly for saying it.

Frank  I think he couldn't have been anti disabled otherwise he wouldn't have picked Darren Anderton every game. For the younger people in the audience, you used to be a very good footballer

Alan It was a while ago, but a lot of people said I was a good footballer.

Frank But you were though, you were really good. You were cool.

Alan All right, I was brilliant!

Frank Yeah ok, lets get to the bottom, because people here might think you weren't that good, but he was he was brilliant. I saw him play at West Brom many times, and we made him look great. We've got a shot of you at Liverpool. Were you a bit drunk?

PICTURE OF A DRUNKEN LOOKING ALAN ON A BUS HOLDING THE EUROPEAN CUP

Alan  That's what usually happens when you win a championship and you go around the city in a bus. You tend to have a few drinks before you get on and then even more when you get on. Just like you're first guest.

Frank Except of course she's never been on a bus. I read this Alan, in an interview you did in the Daily Telegraph,  they ask you about your home life and the side of Alan Hansen we never see.

Alan Let's hear it!

Frank This is you talking about you're home life, you and you're wife Janet, who I've met and is very nice 'When we've had a takeaway'

Alan Oh no, I don't want to hear this!

Frank No its nice…'When we've had a takeaway we usually take a big glass of Ribena up to bed. Because more often then not, we'll wake up at some stage gasping for a drink. If we've had one too many glasses of wine, we always forget, and then you can be sure Janet will be saying to me in the night 'Please get me a drink of water'

Alan It's great to be a bore isn't it,  but you're pretty good at it yourself.

Frank That's not boring, I think that's nice, that you've got a nice domestic home life.

Alan So why you going to laugh in a minute? Why are you going to crack a funny and then laugh?

Frank I want to know...don't get touchy, relax trust me. Why does she ask for a glass of water when there's Ribena in the house? If you're going to get up and get water, is it any extra bother for you to put a little bit of Ribena in there.

Alan Honestly, wrongly quoted. They've done it again.

Frank They've stitched you up with the old water remark.

Alan Stitched me up with the Ribena. Can you believe that?

Frank So you don't have the Ribena in? Oh Alan you do.

Alan No honestly, we've stopped it.

Frank Ah but you used to? It's alright, It doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's all right.

Alan You see you're smiling. First you said it was nice, then you're smiling, laughing and there is still a funny to come yet, I can feel a funny coming on.

Frank I wish you were right.

Alan So do the audience!

Frank Meaning?

Alan Come on I want to hear it! I want to hear the funny! The funny isn't going to come?

Frank No, I just want to hear about you're home life!

Alan Come on, lets get on with it. I want to hear the funny, the audience want to hear the funny! The audience are gasped in anticipation. Not for the Ribena, but for the funny.

Frank Who's side are you on? You've changed. I just wanted to know about the Ribena. Because when you said you take a big glass up, does that mean you share it? Or do you have 2 beakers. If it's 1 glass what side of the bed does it go on? Do you have a small shelf centrally above you?

Alan Are we getting there?

Frank Well, the audience are laughing!

Alan So what do you drink during the night?

Frank I don't, I'm asleep.

Alan That's not what I've heard!

Frank I haven't upset you have I?

Alan No. I'm still here aren't I?

Frank
Accept this as a token.  I don't like to think you're off the Ribena for any special reason

FRANK GIVES ALAN A BOTTLE OF RIBENA

Frank Take that away, and the next time Jan wakes up in the night think of me

Alan Not a pretty thought!

Frank  The one thing people always say about  you is that you know a lot about football. When you were a player you were a great reader of the game, and now  you're obviously a great reader of the game. But you never became a manager, whey was that?

Alan Well, the last season I played at Liverpool I'd been there for 14 years and the expectations of everybody, supports, players the media takes its toll. The last season I played we were going for the championship with Aston Villa, and I wasn't getting to sleep at night. I felt if I was struggling with the pressure as a player then as a manager you can multiply that by 10, so I made the decision then not to be a manager. So then I was struggling as I was not qualified to do anything but television just started to take off at that time.
That was brilliant. It was a serious question and a serious answer.

Frank For me it's not in the same division as the Ribena conversation, but we're all different.